JoJo's Ordinary Adventure
by teamkokotwo
Summary: A new high-school called 'Bel-Air High' has popped up in the city. What happens when all the JoJo characters attend there as students? Shenanigans ensues. (High School AU)
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Thank you for tuning into our new project! This is a slice-of-life high school AU for the JoJo series with lots of unexpected routes and plot reveals ahead. If you want to see what happens, then stay tuned. :))

\- TeamKokoTwo

* * *

 **JoJo's Ordinary Adventure: Fanta Blood**

"Josuke! It's time for school!" Tomoko yelled from the next room over.

Little did she know, Josuke was already up. He always got up an hour before school because he needed to spend a lot of time and effort into his Elvis Presley inspired hair. After thirty-five minutes, he was finally finished with his hairdo.

"Hah! Lookin' good, Jojo," Josuke said cooly to himself, pulling his comb out of his thick hair with some strain because it was _too_ thick.

Nevertheless, he reached for his men's hairspray and went nuts on his poor, chemical abused hair, spraying it as if he was attempting to kill a cockroach with Bug Spray.

" _Cough, cough_!" Josuke choked up and his eyes teared up heavily, but he didn't care because he looked _kewl_.

He slammed the hairspray down and moonwalked to the edge of his bed, sliding on the final piece to his uniform with swag: His embellished school jacket. _Yoisha_! Now he was ready to rock n' roll!

He walked downstairs and picked up only the bread from the plate of pancakes, sausage, and scrambled eggs. It was rude, but he was in a rush! No, he wasn't late for school, but recently he transferred to a new one within Morioh called Bel-Air High School. He wouldn't know where his classes or the other rooms were specifically, so he would need time to find out ahead of time.

 _Sigh_.

What a drag, but at least his best friends Koichi and Okuyasu passed the entrance exam to get in as well. If they weren't there with him, then Josuke would have a harder time enjoying school hours.

"I'm going out, Mom!" Josuke told Tomoko as he took a large bite into his bread, carrying his light school bag over his shoulder like always.

"Eh?! That's all you're taking? I got up early to make this large breakfast! You better come back and eat it all, you son of a–"

Josuke had already closed the door and slipped on his airpods, blasting Great Days by Karen Aoki and Daisuke Hasegawa at a loud volume. He strolled down the sidewalk, snapping his finger along to the beat as the tunes went through his eardrums and placed him into a better vibe.

"Oi, Josuke!"

A large hand slapped him on the back, startling him enough that his expensive airpods fell out of his ears since they were wireless. _Shit!_ He hurriedly picked them up since he spent his savings on these bad boys and it would be all over for him if he lost them now.

"Be more careful. Didn't you see I was listening to my music?" Josuke scolded his best friend, but immediately felt bad for his tone when he saw Okuyasu frown.

He was weak to that face, but that didn't imply anything about his sexuality. No way, man.

"Haha! Sorry, Josuke! I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to show you something!" Okuyasu said excitedly like a child wanting to show their parent something.

"What is it?" He said, half paying attention as he slipped one airpod back into his ear. Luckily, Great Days was still playing and just got to his favorite part of the bop.

"Hehe! Look, look!" Okuyasu took out his Sony PSP 2000 that was completely cracked on the screen, but somehow still usable to Okuyasu. It was already turned on, so he shoved it in Josuke's face for him to read the screen.

"What is this?" Josuke asked, not understanding what he was looking at.

"Haaah? Can't you read?!"

It was understandable that Josuke couldn't see shit since the PSP screen was so horribly cracked it even gave Josuke a mild headache. It took him a couple seconds just to look past the clumsy damage and read what was on the screen. If Okuyasu hadn't dropped the game console on the ground twelve years ago, this wouldn't even be a problem.

Okuyasu scrolled down on his PSP some more. It was a chat full of messages with Okuyasu and some person name 'japanesegoddess420'.

"I started talking to this babe through chat last night and she became my girlfriend!"

Josuke rose his brow skeptically. It was pretty obvious that these messages from this chick was fake, but he was aware of the lack of critical thinking skills Okuyasu had. Who even named themselves japanesegoddess420? It was unrealistic that someone would hook up with another person after a couple messages.

"And here's her photo! She's such a babe!"

When Okuyasu scrolled down, he full-screened a photo taken from Joogle Images of a woman who appeared to be in her late thirties. She had a beautiful face, long black hair, and the acceptable basom size for high school boys their age. The selfie could've been believable if the photo wasn't so horrendously low quality and the picture's dimensions weren't the size of a nickel.

"Uhh..." said Josuke. How should he break it down to his friend nicely? "And how old did she say she was?"

"Like forty!" Okuyasu said proudly with a perverted grin on his face. The blush going across his face showed was also an indication that he was getting aroused inside his head.

Josuke felt like vomiting up the bits of his bread at the thought of Okuyasu genuinely hooking up with a woman thrice his age. He always suspected his best friend had a fetish for older women since he only complimented ladies his mother's age and sent him photos of women in their thirties and up from dating profiles into the group chat on Joscord.

Josuke and Koichi always left those unsettling messages on read and changed the topic, but there was no running now.

Josuke took a large swallow from his bread and took one more glance at the bright, cracked PSP screen Okuyasu was shoving into his face. He knew he's seen enough as soon as the text messages turned risqué and he saw the word "mommy" in there.

He choked up on his bread and it accidentally went flying out of his mouth and landed onto the ground. Josuke didn't condone littering the planet, so he picked up his soggy bread piece and tossed it into a nearby trashcan.

"Holy crap. Are you okay, man?"

"O-Okuyasu. I don't know how to tell you this, but..." Josuke randomly leaned back into a Michael Jackson stance, pointing at his brother-from-another-mother with a finger from the hip freshly. "I think you're being catfished."

"H-Huh?! There's no way I'm being catfried! You're just jealous, Josuke!"

"I'm serious. Don't you think the situation is sorta unrealistic?"

"That's enough! If you aren't gonna support Leslie's and I's relationship, then don't talk about us at all!"

Leslie wasn't even a Japanese name. Josuke was internally shaking his head in disappointment.

"Alright, let's bet money on it," Josuke cockily, his blue pupils turning into green dollar signs that were as bright as his greed. "How about 5545 yen?"

He knew his friend didn't have lots of cash lying around, so he'll have to set the bargain low.

"Fine! I'll ask Leslie to meet up with me tomorrow and I'll prove to your face that she's real!" Okuyasu agreed, riled up enough to agree to such a stupid thing without thinking twice about if he had the money to begin with. He just knew he wanted to prove his girlfriend was as real as his love for her.

And so... the bet was on!

 **JOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJO**

『 **1 HR LATER, START OF CLASS:** 』

Like a good little boy who goes to church every Sundae, Koichi was already in his homeroom seat at Bel-Air Academy at 7:45AM sharp, fifteen whole minutes before school even started. But as usual, his misbehaving (slightly delinquent) BFFs were nowhere in sight, and probably wouldn't be until 7:59 and some odd seconds. Sighing, Koichi rolled his big anime eyeballs and put his schoolbag down on the floor next to his desk.

He looked to the rest of the class boredly, his legs dangling off his chair. Everyone else was chatting with their friends, or eating a late and rushed breakfast. Suspiciously, though, there was a kid in the corner desk tapping away at...an old PSP? Koichi squinted. What would anyone even be doing on that outdated thing when the hip new PS Vita had just came out?

Said boy was one of his classmates, but since this was a brand new school and class hasn't even started yet, Koichi didn't know his name yet. He had a Cheetos-colored orange headband put on haphazardly around his messy black hair, and bright purple eyes. The way he was sitting was also strange, with his legs scrunched up in his chair and the PSP balanced on them.

Koichi hadn't realized he'd been staring until 2 familiar hands were gently placed on his shoulders, making him yelp and jump out of his stupor.

"-Koichi-kun, ohayo gozaimasu~" The face next to him was the beautiful, sweet face of his girlfriend, Yukako Yamagishi.

"O-Ohayo, Yukako-san," Koichi said, quickly shaking his head and smiling back at her. He didn't want to be reprimanded for rudely staring across the room at someone he didn't even know, after all. That was embarrassing for a student council member like him! He turned back to look at Yukako—who had managed to claim the desk behind him before anyone else—brushing off the odd boy.

"I'm glad we have homeroom together, Koichi-kun," said Yukako, setting her things down and twirling a bit of her hair. She was getting out something that was wrapped up in cloth as she continued, "You're always here at school so early like a diligent student... I really admire that! But surely you don't have time to eat a proper breakfast, do you, Koichi-kun?"

He pondered that for a moment, then blinked at her and shook his head. "No, I guess I don't really eat that much _at all_ before school, now that I think about it. Lunch is kind of early, so-"

"-Don't talk that way! It's important to have enough energy! Changing schools is a fresh start, so I thought I'd make breakfast for us to share every morning." When Yukako moved her hands away, two freshly made melonpan buns were under the wrapped up cloth [A/N melonpan (メロンパン _meronpan_ ) (also known as melon pan, melon bun or melon bread) is a type of sweet bun from Japan, that is also popular in Taiwan, China and Latin America. They are made from an enriched dough covered in a thin layer of crisp cookie dough. Their appearance resembles a melon, such as a rock melon (cantaloupe). They are not traditionally melon flavored, but in recent times it has become popular for manufacturers to add melon to melon bread. Variations exist, including some with a few chocolate chips between the cookie layer and the enriched dough layer, and non-melon versions flavored with caramel, maple syrup, chocolate, or other flavors, sometimes with syrup, whipped or flavored cream, or custard as a filling. In the case of such variations, the name may drop the word "melon" ("maple pan") or may keep it despite the lack of melon flavor ("chocolate melon pan")].

In any case, Koichi watched as his gf cutely brought one of the rolls up to his lips for him to bite. "Koichi-kun, say 'aahh'," Yukako encouraged, smiling maybe a little bit too brightly? He went to eat it when **suddenly-**

 **the** classroom door burst open right at 7:59 like Koichi predicted, and Josuke and Okuyasu sprinting inside. They were panting havily like they had just run a marathon (which was sort of true since they had wasted most of their time talking and hadn't realized how late it had gotten). Thankfully their sensei didnt mark tardies until the bell fully rang!

Only .3 sec later did the bell actually ring, with Okuyasu and Josuke scrambling like eggs to find desks that were conveniently open right near Koichi's.

Koichi turned around after thanking Yukako, the melonpan still in his hands, and looked at Josuke in front of him with a concerned look. He also raised his eyebrows real high. "J-Josuke-kun, is everything alright today?" he whispered, careful not to get the attention of the Sensei.

" * gasp * it's— y-you won't *GASP* believe what Okuyasu's gotten himself into— *BREATH E *" said JoJo panting even though he was unrealistically muscular for a teenage boy of 16 (15?) y/o. He looked like he was tryna hold in a laugh, which made Koichi's brows rise so high they almost flew off his forehead.

Then he turned to look at Okuyattá, whose desk was to his right. Koichi narrowed his eyes. Then he saw that okuyasu was..holding a PSP? Just like that boy from earlier? How strange, since you normally wouldnt see people with those. "What? Josuke's just jealous that—"

"— **KAKAK KAK KAK KAK KAK!"**

 **(TRANSLATION: "YOU, WHAT WAS THAT? YOU'RE TALKING IN CLASS?!")**

Koichi and Co. GASPED so loudly that their souls almost left their bodies like the Jojo gag where all the dead characters's souls exit and go to heaven. The Sensei had yelled at them very loud, and he had thought he was talking to him! "U-Uh, S-Sensei! I-I—!"

The teacher, whom had the nametag saying ' _Petto Shoppu' (A/N dio's bird uwu)_ on his desk, flapped his wings all around making feathers fly all over the floor.

All the students were **SILENT.**

Koichi gulped thiccly as he thought the sensei was speaking with him, and was prepared to explain himself when...

He saw that Littlest Pet Shop-sensei was pointing his talons at..the mysterious and ghetto looking kid with the PSP from earlier!

"KAK KA K KAKAKAKAK!"

 **(TRANSLATION: WOULD YOU LIKE THE TELL THE CLASS WHAT YOU'RE LISTENING TO?"** )

Everyone starred at the boy, who had massive JoBeats by Dr. Joe headphones on. Anyone with ears that functioned properly could hear the song _Runnin'_ by 2pac ft Biggie blasting LOUDLY from his headset.

 _And I wonder if they'll laugh when I'm dead?_

 _Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight?_

 _Why am I trying to see, when there ain't nothing in sight?_

 _Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try?_

 _Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die?_

Finally the boy realized every1 was lookin at him and blinked. He took one headphone off his ear. "Häh?" He said, and now the exposed music was blasting louder, making everyone's ears bleed to die.

 _Check it, I grew up a fuckin' screw-up_

 _Got introduced to the game, got a ounce and fuckin' blew up_

 _Choppin' rocks overnight_

 _The n* * * * Biggie Smalls trying to turn into the black Frank White_

 _We had to grow dreads to change our description_

 _Two cops is on the milk box missing_

 _Show they toes you know they got stepped on_

 _A fist full of bullets a chest full of Teflon_

 _Run from the police picture that, n* * * * I'm too fat_

 _I fuck around and catch a asthma attack_

At this point, Pet Shop was SCREECHING and going into a eagle (falcon) dive straight for el headphones! He swooped down like a flying squirrel and SNATCHED the JoBeats, making the boy McShocked. "HEY!" He yelled back in his italian gangstar accént.

" **KAKAKAKAAK KAK AK"**

 **(TRANSLATION YOULL GET THIS AFTER CLASS, DEGENERATE! NOW WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"**

The boy grumpily got up from his seat and gave the teach evil eyes. "My name is... Narancia Ghirga, and I have a dre— Wait, wrong character.." *clears throat* "Il mio nome è Narancia Ghirga, e sono un secondo anno in HS! E-"

The bell rang again to end class, relieving Narnia of this misery, even though class had JUST started. Koichi continued to eye this kid from the corner of his eye, watching as he suspiciously started up his PSP just as Okuyasu rebooted his...

 **JOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJOJO**

『 **SCHOOL BELL:** **リング! (RINGÚ!)** 』

Everybody huddled into the cafeteria, hungry as ever to eat the shitty cafeteria food. Some of the students ended up bringing their own lunches from home in old-fashioned bento boxes, but there was one squad who took up another level.

Bucci Gang all sat at their own table with a white, fancy table cloth and silver utensils. Instead of eating what the school supplied them, or rice and sausage like ordinary students had for lunch, the Italian gangsters decided to keep it traditional by eating the most Italian restaurant food they had.

On their table was stereotypical Italian meals such as cheese and pastā from Olive Garden and Panera Bread. Everyone in the cafeteria looked at them in shockú, mouths watering because they wanted a taste of those 5-star dishes instead of the weird ass Mystery Meat the lunch lady just served everyone.

"You've been on that thing since homeroom," Fugo said to Narancia who was still fiddling with his outdated PSP, legs up to his chest as if he was a gremlin instead of sitting formally like the rest of them.

Narancia ignored Fugo because he was too concentrated on whatever questionable shit he was doing on his PSP. However, this made Fuego's hotheaded self boil with anger.

"HEY, SHITHEAD! I'M TALKING TO YOU!" Fugo yelled all of a sudden in Hulk-like rage, standing up in his seat as he went to stab Narnia in the eye with his silver fork.

 **However** , Bruno smoothly caught Fugo's flimsy wrist before he could assault Narancia for the tenth time this week. The tablecloth he brought to school was white and it would be a bitch for him to have to wash out any additional red.

"Now, now. Let's not bring any unnecessary attention to ourselves," said Bruno, acting like the mama koala bear he was and looked. He was also their class president, so he had to make sure everyone was being peaceful or else he'll lose his Good Noodles stars.

Fugo reluctantly sat back down in his seat and continued to eat his pannacotta grumpily. Abbacchio, who was unfazed by the entire shenanigans, took a long sip from his drink that had "grape juice" labelled on it in italic Arial font, but was actually red wine.

He always needed to drink to get through the day with these idiots he called 'friends'. Narancia LOUDLY bursted out into obnoxious laughter over Fugo being put in his place while pointing at him, tears pricking up in his round eyes. It wasn't even that funny, but he started to slap his own thigh like it was.

". . ." Fugo said, as a『 **MENACING** 』black and deadly shadow draped over his eyes. He was about to **snap.**

Meanwhile, Abracadabra grumbled some swearwords and pulled out his expensive 2,191,900.00 yen ear plugs before putting them in to drown out Narnia's childish, ear-bleed inducing laughter. Everyone else at the table continued to mind their own business.

Giorno was eating his octopus salad with the legs still moving inside the bowl and Bruno was digging in on his grilled scallops. Abbacchio's only meal was different kind of wine throughout the day.

"NE, NE MISTA!" Naruncia said in a booming voice like Mista wasn't sitting right beside him _(A/N: Poor Mista's ears)._ He turned to Mista all too quickly, causing him to accidentally knock over his own carton of OJ with his elbow, but Narnia didn't even notice because he was too excited to show Mista something on his PSP.

"Haha, look at this sucker I'm catfishing!" Narnancia said, shoving his bright ass PSP into Mista's face.

Mista's face remained straight because he didn't care. He continued to calmly slice up baloney for his six children, cutting them into Lunchables-sized bites. He took out his purple-durple pistol in plain sight since public schools did nothing to ensure safety and unloaded his gun, letting Sex Pistols free.

"Okay, children. Papa has food for you," Mista said with a warm smile, laying out the baloney for his little ones.

"Eatadakimasu!" said the Numbers in unsion, before digging into the quality meat. Since his children were being fed, Mista finally unwinded and took a sip from his hot, steaming tea he made in the teacher's lounge room.

"HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!" Narancia continued to scream for no reason, loud and annoying like many of the kids you'll encounter at any school.

"I think you should be paying attention to something else," Mista stated while he shredded some cheese over his trippa with the cheese grater.

 _* MUNCH, MUNCH *_

"Háh?" Narnia said, whipping his head back around to see...A BLACK AND WHITE DOG EATING HIS MARGHERITA PIZZA TOPPED WITH MUSHROOMS!

"What the fuck?! Get away from my pizza, you mutt!" he yelled. The dog had on a collar made from real diamonds with two tags that said "Pimp" and "Iggy" and on it, but... He also had on a school name tag for Bel-Air High students?! Iggy looked up at Narancia with a bothered expression like the ghetto-bandana wearing boy had no right disturbing him.

Then, all of a sudden he smirked at Narancia and hopped down to the ground, running away with his expensive pizza in his mouth. Like the dumbass he was, Narancia started to run after Iggy with his PSP in his hand.

"HEY, GET *PANT* BACK HERE! *PANT* *PANT*"

Fuck! He shouldn't have skipped gym all those times in middle school because he thought exercise was uncool! He was so focused on getting his margherita pizza back that he didn't notice he was about to run straight into two tall men! **THUNK**. When their foreheads collided, it sounded like two coconuts hitting together. Narancia's body fell to the ground harshly, scraping up his elbow and so did the other's. Both of their shitty PSPs flew out of their hands.

"Itai, itai," The boy said in pain, holding his head. He opened his eyes and saw a dark-skinned dude with a dumbfounded look on his face, two weird creases going down his face like he was in a freak accident. Beside him was an Elvis Presley cosplayer looking down at them both in concern.

Then, he remembered that Iggy was getting away with his pizza!

"Gomenasorry. Are you okay?" said the dopey looking one, holding a hand out to help Narancia back up on his feet.

"IDIOT! Watch where you're going!" He responded and leaned down to pick up his PSP, before running down the direction he assumed Iggy must've turned.

"What a brat!" exclaimed Okuyasu, leaning down to pick up his own PSP. It was hard for Josuke to tell if the console was even more damaged from the collision or just the same since it was already badly fucked up.

"He looks like a freshman. Just let it go," Josuke said, holding up a mirror to his face as he smoothed his pompadour back with an ungodly amount of hair gel slapped onto his hand. He needed to tend to his hair every 2 hours, or else it'll start to puff up into a ridiculous afro.

Once he was done, he slid combat mirror into the pocket of his dark-blue jacket. The school uniform wasn't even of Bel-Air High School, but it looked so fresh on him that he wore it anyway.

"You know what's weird is that you both have the same PSP," Josuke thought out loud.

"Huh? Really? That's strange," said Okuyasu, looking up at the sky in thought like he was thinking hard about something hard when in reality he didn't have the brain to connect the dots.

To further this point, Okuyasu quickly got distracted by a drifting cloud that was shaped like a chicken hamburger in his eyes. Suddenly, he was even hungrier for White Castle. Josuke and him always walked there for lunch time.

"What were we talking about again?" asked Okuyasu stupidly which Josuke shook his head to.

"Nevermind that. Let's hurry and find Shigechi before lunch is over," Josuke sighed, his stomach grumbling for a Double-ú Cheeseú Slider. In actuality, he wasn't sure if he had enough yen left for food since he spent most of his savings on his JoApple Airpods.

"Oh, yeah! Where _is_ Shigechi, though?"

[ _The camera pans away for 50 seconds until they focus on a little, round monster underneath the school bleachers._ ]

It was Shigechi collecting change that fell out of people's pockets with Harvest. In between his legs, was a large mountain of coins and dollar bills the size of Mount Everest. Shigechi giggled to himself cutely, baby snot drooping down one nostril like a kindergartener. Finally, he would have enough yen to buy the whole menu from White Castle and force Josuke and Okuyasu to beg to **him** for food.

Shigechi got a little excited from the thought of putting his two best friends at his mercy and stuffed all of his fat loot inside the pants of his green middle-schooler uniform which gave him the illusion that he had a fat ass. He then ran to find his friends a.k.a soon-to-be-slaves!

"Huh? Where did my wallet go?" said a tall, beautiful man with french-fry blonde, loosely combed hair. He was sitting on the bleachers, feeling the pocket to his white office suit and dark tie. On his suit was a column of skull emblems, shaped like the skull emoji in the JoPhone iOS.

 _PUFF_ * went his pocket. There was nothing there.

 **『 TO BE CONTINUED 』**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you for the lovely reviews! We have a little surprise for you this chapter. For JJOA, we will cycle between different stories for each chapter. Enjoy episode dos of part 1: fanta blood. :))

\- TeamKokoTwo

 **EPÍSODIO 2:**

『 **[SFX]** **BIRDS:** **チャープ! (CHIRPÚ!)** 』

It was the second morning of school at Bel-Air Academy. Since the first class of the day had yet to actually start, not all of the students were present. Josuke and Okuyasu naturally weren't there since they only arrived to class at the last minute possible. Yukako was feeding Koichi the breakfast she made him at their seats by chewing it up and then spitting it back into his mouth like a mother bird with her fledgling.

The normal students in the class looked away from the sickening sight while a few sweaty, virgin boys were getting excited by the kind of porn they couldn't get from PornHub.

Abbacchio was asleep in his seat with his arms crossed and his resting-bitch face still on despite the fact that he was dreaming. Bruno was busy going through the class roster like since he wanted his Good Noodle star for the day as class president.

Nobody knew where Giorno went off to in the morning, but legend says that he sells Kinder Suprises (the banned chocolate eggs in America) to people behind the school. Meanwhile, Narancia had his JoBeats on, blasting 'Keep Ya Head Up' by Tupac at an insane volume as he played on his PSP.

It had a new crack on it from when he got into an argument with Fugo last night over which way the toilet paper goes. In the heat of the moment, Fugo decided to smash his PSP with his bare fist which made Narancia throw some hands. Of course, Narancia was in desperate need of a upgrade anyway, but he didn't have the kush for one. As for now, this was his soul and baby.

At the moment, Nirvana was playing Infection on his PSP which was a (shitty) video game about a zombie apocalypse. The quality of the graphics were horrendous and looked like the very first Grand Theft Auto with a dash of Fortnite, but Narancia wasn't fazed by that. The game was kewl and actually one of the only ones compatible with his outdated PSP. And it definitely was NOT pirated in any way shape or form!

"Can you lower the volume? I'm trying to finish this essay," asked Fugo in a **menancing** tone as he clenched his teeth, threatening to snap his No. 2 pencil in half from his gorilla grip.

Fugo was proofreading with his essay on Erectile Dysfunction he stayed up almost the whole night to complete. Like a perfectionist, he wanted to make sure he didn't make any grammatical errors or sentence magnets while he was sleepy and only running on caffeine imported straight from Italy.

"HÁH? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Narancia shouted, causing his classmates to look over at the only student shouting like they were in the ghetto. He could've just taken his JoBeats off, but Narnia was too invested in his game to do that. Without thinking, Necrophilia flung his arm recklessly and slammed into his box of orange _succo_ (A/N that's juice in italian) and it flew all the way to Fugo's desk, spilling onto his 5-pager essay!

" **NANI THE FUCKO!" screeched** Fugo in triggered, his eyes turning into red lazer eyes like those memes with the lens flare effect on them. He grabbed Narancia by his Japanese school unifrom collar and CHOKED him as if this was BDSM. The whole class went **-SILENT-** as they could clearly hear Narancia's neck bones * crackin *

"IT WAS AN ACCIDÉNTE, BITCH!" yelled Narancia back even though his esophagus was being crushed from the sheer force of Fugo's Level 35 Boss strength. There were tears in his eyes but he was still fighting! SLowly Arancia was reaching for the pocket knife he kept in his back pocket like all ghetto kids bring to school.

 _[CAMERA PANS TO CHALKBOARD]_

A large sign drawn in chalk next to the Good Noodle Chart read **DAYS WITHOUT FUGO SNAPPING: 5** in sloppy kanji.

[CAMERA PANS TO GIORNO]

Calmly, Giorno in the background inched closer to the chalkboard and wiped the "5" away. Instead, with a straight face, he wrote a big fat " **0** " in its place and walked to his seat without Fugo or Narancia noticing.

[CAMERA PANS BACK TO FUGO AND NARANCIA FIGHTING EACH OTHER MORTAL KOMBAT STYLE]

Narancia held up his knife threateningly to Fugo's throat, about to fatality him à la Jason Vorhees style. The blade SKKRRT-ed across Hugo's skin! Ruh roh!

"I'LL FUCKING DO IT HOE!" shouted Narancia at the top of his lungs in his sh*ta voice. The knife was tremblin in his hand but Fugo was strangling him so hard that his face was turning azul! " **IM SICK OF THIS SHIT! YOU WANNA GO, FUEGO, WELL I'LL KILL YOU FOR REALZ—"**

'YOU DIRTY PIECE OF SHIT, YOU'LL REGRET RUINING MY SOON-TO-BE NOBEL PRIZE WINNING ESSAY—" fugo PUNCHED narancia in the gut but his blade still stayed at his throat! Narnia pushed it in slightly which broke a lil bit of Futon's skin.

 *** blood gushin like a fruit gusher ***

 **"GAH!-— * AWKKCHH * *COUGH*."** said Fugo as he let go of Narcotic and WRETCHED backwards, wiping the blood away.

Narancia breathed HEAVY after almost being asphyxiated to die by the Tattletale Strangler.

Bucciarati, Abbacchio, Mista, and Giorno all looked into the camera like they were on The Office, but then turned back to their normal business because this really wasnt anything new.

All four (4? mista is SHAKING) of them were arranged in a circle with their desks, trying to look like a cool mafia roundtable meeting even though it just looked like they were working on a group project.

"...Anyways," said Mista, taking out his special ziplock bag full of bite-sized Salami out for Sex Pistols like a soccer mom unpacking her childrens' lunchboxes, "how have our Kinder egg sales been doing lately?"

Yes, Bruno's gang of petty thieves would smuggle chocolate Kinder eggs from outside of Japan to sell illegally to students here. How did they do this? Well, with Pannacotta's family being extra stinkin filty rich with major CA-CHING, they simply bought them in Nipples, Italy and sent them over to Jap*n without going through any TSA securty lines via their extra fancy private jet.

Bucciarati shook his head at being reminded of such horrible news. "Not good. We're losing a lot of customers daily due to severe food poisoning. Something must be happening to those eggs while we keep them in storage at Fugo's place. We need to fix this before we get a bad rep!"

"F" said Mista

"F" said Giorno

Abbacchio was too busy chugging more """cranberry juice""" from his Hello Kitty flask and playing _Bring Me To Life_ over his noise-cancelling headphones to deal with this stupidity right now. Plus, he was still taking the 'which celebrity would be your perfect bf?' quiz in his Tiger Beat magazine!

While this official GangMem meeting was occuring, all of them hadnt paid attencion to the fact that Fucko and Narcolepsy were still fiting in the bg!

Narnia had just been SHOVED into some desks and thrown across the room, which had made the loud noise.

"That's IT" narnia **SNAPPED** , summoning Aerosmith—gomennasai, i mean Lil' Bomber—to ATTTACK Fugo 9/11 style.

But suddenly, Fugo summoned his own stand, 「PURPLE DURPLE HAZE」, in a bitter rage! Fugo was now as green as the Hulk, with flames in his eyes like anime characters have when they get angery. Conveniently he had 'forgotten' that his stand could almost instantly kill people just from a punch with it's virus!

 **"GAUUUUUUGAUUUFUUUU"** slurped purple smoke in pain. His tongue started slobbering up his whole face, saliva dripping down onto his bulging crotch. Fugos stand held out his fists and it was too late for Narancia! Without enough time to back off, Maramcia's Lil Wayne's bullets pierced Purple Rain's virus bulbs on his knuckles!

 _ *** gas spreadin' ! ***_

Dumbass Narancia accidentally set off Purple Haze's most **fatal** move:「THE PURPLE PLAGUE」!¡ The purple gas was spreading like someone had thrown a colored smoke bomb into the class. The surrounding students started to hack and wheeze like old 50-year-old men with bronchitis. Fanta didn't realize his horrible mistake until it was too late!

"HOLY FUCKIN MÁMÁ MÍA!" Narancia cried out since he just received the closest whiff of the Purple Plague which smelled as foul as a porta potty in a public place. The virus acted fast and was already attacking the skin on Naranvcia's already ashy hands and face! His skin was boiling like the Gatorade in Buccellati's finest pot because Narancia didn't know how to make tea.

"HOLY SH*T! GUYS, HELP! I THINK MY SKIN IS COMING OFF-"

 _ZIPPPPP._

Narancia whipped his head around to his comrades, but the desks that made up the fake edgy group circle were now empty! Bucci Gang... HAD FLED!

Meanwhile, everyone still in the classroom were dropping like flies! That mayhem was stressing Fugo out which made Purple Blaze have even more of a nervous breakdown.

" **UGUUUUUUUURUUUUUH!l** " Purple Durple mewled incoherently, salivating heavily like Mista's fat cheeks was before him. The deadly plague blasted from his pores like a stink bomb and started to leak into the hallway now! YABAI!

Narancia wasn't looking too well either! His skin continued to bake and boil, unable to withstand the fatal attack. He felt like he was gonna pass out.

"Fugo, I don't feel so good," Narnia said wearily as he stumbled into the hot-tempered Italiano, quoting Spider-Man's viral quote from Infinity War when Thanos obliterated the entire world. Purple Smoke was basically Thanos (but better) since everyone's lives were yeeting before their eyes.

Fugo was too **stressed** out to catch Tom Holland in his arms like Tony Hawk, so he allowed Narnia to fall face-first into the floor as the plague ate away at him. **K.O.** Narancia was officially defeated in the worst fatality ever.

『 **PLAYER STATS** 』

 **NARANCIA:** 0

 **FUGO:** 1

 **NARANCIA'S CRACKED PSP:** 0

Koichi had barely escaped the classroom, but he used Echoes to fly him out of the building since he weighed nothing. Yukako was right behind him like the stalker she was.

"* cough* *WHEEZE* I can't believe that person's stand almost got me!" Koichi said while using the sleeve of his uniform to cover his nose. Little did he know that we do nothing to protect him from the Mad Cow Disease.

Yukako was hanging off the side of the building by her hair like Tarzan. She looked at Koichi with hearts in her highkey psycho eyes, "I would rather all them die than you Koochie," she said, thinking that was romantic to say when really it raised several red flags.

"Heh... Hheh..." Koichi said nervously, a sweatbead rolling down his fat Jimmy Neutron forehead. Speaking of Jimmy Neutrom, Koichi just had a brain blastó! "I know! I'll get Josuke to heal everyone!"

 **CHOTTO.**

That was then when Koichi suddenly remembered that Josuke was on punishment back at home and had his cellphone taken away from him because he ate Tomoko's last pudding cup! SHIT!

"Oh no! What are we gonna do now?!" Koichi yelled like a damsel in distress. That italian's stand was scary and looked like Venom, so he was shaking in his ankle-high socks at the thought of taking Purple Haze on his own.

"Yare yare daze," said Jotaro monotously from behind them. Koichi felt his kokoro leap in his chest! There was Jotaro sporting a full biohazard suit with his hands in his pockets cooly. However, he still had his traditionary black jacket and cap over the suit.

"J-JOTARO-SAN?!" Koichi yelled. "Thank goodness you're here! We have to get everybody inside out!"

"You stay here, Koichi. I'll handle the rest inside," Jotaro responsed before walking towards the chaos awaiting him. When Jotaro Joestar, _the grandson of teenage Joseph Joestar and teenage uncle of Josuke Higashikata(Joestar)_ , stepped inside he saw that everyone inside was passed out on the floor like a bunch of cockroaches lying on their backs. Most of their skins had melted until they looked like the Colassol Titan.

Jotaro kneeled down to feel a pulse, but there was none. These students were... die.

"Yare yare daze. I only came to drop out of this school and this is what I get?"

FABRIC SIZZLIN*

Jotaro looked down and saw the hand he used to touch the student with was now infected with The Purple Plague. The fabric of his biohazard suit (given to him by Speedwagon Foundation) was sizzlin' like eggs in a skillet during breakfast!

"Good grief. I better find the Stand User soon."

Unfazed, Jotaro-san stood up and strided down the rest of the hallway. Not a single person was alive so far until he passed a swole, blonde haired "teen" reading the Men's Playboy Magazine at his desk. There were corpses all around his feet, but the blonde hunk didn't seem to notice or care. He didn't even look like a teenager because of how unrealistically buff he was.

His fingers were look and french manicured and his uniform looked ready to rip off of him because he was built like a buff Roblox character. He had a belt, hat, and tie on that said " **DIO** " in obnoxious gold letters. Jotaro wondered if he was the stand user since he wasn't effected by the purple gas. Just as he stepped inside, a purple stand BROKE through the wall!

" **AAAAUUUUURRRRRGHUUU!** " Purple Smoke said, gargling on its own saliva and holding its head like it had an intense headache.

Yappari!

"So, the Stand User _is_ you," Jotaro-san said, narrowing his eyes at Dio who still didn't acknowledge his prescene. He pulled out his Rose Gold Android and started scrolling through Pinterest. He didn't use the JoPhone since he was a full boycotter of anything made by the Joestar Brand for personal reasons.

"If you're looking for the Stand User, it's not him, but he's nearby."

Jotaro turned around with a **MENANCING** ( **脅迫**!) stare and saw a young, blonde-haired man with Spaghetti-O's bangs. He looked a little like the blonde guy reading Playboy in the other room. Just a little. Jotaro narrowed his eyes at Giorno in suspish.

"And why should I trust you? You could be trying to lead me away from the culprit."

"Because the Stand User is my friend and I need all the help I can get to save him. His stand is a very dangerous one as you can see," Giorno Giovanna explained unreasonably calmly.

 **SUSPICIOUS STARE.**

"Why would you trust someone you don't know?"

"I, Giorno Giovanna, have a dream–"

 _YIKES!_

"Yare Yare Daze. Forget about it," Jotaro groaned and ran behind Giorno, following his lead.

"Purple Haze is uncontrollable! There's no use in trying to fight him directly!" Dio– sorry, _Giorno_ responded, "The only way I can take Fugo down is with more manpower!"

"And where are your friends?" Jotaro asked, his black yankee jacket flying in the air behind him like he was Asian Batman.

"They're–" Giorno replied.

[BRIEF FLASHBACK TO BUCCIARATI QUICKLY DRIVING MISTA AND ABBACCHIO OFF IN HIS CAR, ESCAPING THE SCENE. CAMERA TRANSITIONS BACK TO JOTARO AND GIORNO.]

"–And that's the story."

"Dios mios. Well, it's fine since I work better alone," Jotaro Joestar said like the cool protagonist he was. If he couldn't handle a battle by himself, then he might as well be useless as George Joestar II who wasn't relevant enough to get more than a 0.5 second flashback of his death.

"We're close!" Giorno yelled. It was obvious that Fugo was near because the purple haze led a trail back to the Stand User like the green stench from the episode Spongebob had bad breath from his onion ice cream.

"Hold on. You'll need one of these before we go in," Jotaro said and tossed him an extra biohazard outfit from underneath his cape. Giorno quickly put it on until they both looked like when Patrick put Spongebob on a BDSM table when he got the suds.

"Ready, kid?" Jotaro said despite miraculously not being that much older than Giorno himself.

"Sí," said Giogio in his fancy native language.

『 **(JOTARO JOESTAR AND GIORNO GIOVANNA ENTERS THE FRAY!)** 』

The temporary Stand Team pressed their backs against the wall like they were SWAT members on a mission to take out a dangerous terrorist — which was about the same level threat in this case — before peeking inside at the same time. There was FUGO sitting at his desk like nothing happened, running his hand through his messy DBZ Saiyan hair as he frantically rewrote his long ass essay paper on a clean sheet that has **not** been Narancia'd (yeah, I'm using his stupidity as an verb).

He looked like he had a _**massive**_ headache and there was smoke even coming from his pencil as he furiously wrote on the paper. Giorno was the least surprised that Purple Haze was still active because his friend was angry over some minor shit. Did he not notice most of the student body has died like Eurasia against The Black Plague because of him in less than ten minutes? Also, on the floor beside him was Narancia's compulsing and barely not breathing body!

"That's the son of a bitch who's causing all this?" asked Jotaro-kun in his Big Daddy voice.

"Ai. His stand is as uncontrollable as his inability to stay calm like Chrisu Brownó-san from America,"' replied Giorgo.

"Chrisu Brownó who? The only thing I care about is defeating this Stand User and dropping out of this poisonous public school. The sooner this is over with the better, yare yare daze."

As Jotaro adjusted his cap that had a hole burned in it from the disgusting air, he took a heavy step inside and cracked his knuckles. * bones crackin * Fugo was too invested in furiously writing his paper before class would start that he didn't even notice their presence. He didn't even realize that everyone in the school was mostly dead too, so there would be no class for him to turn his essay in today.

"Star Platinum!" said Jotaro, but... there was nada.

 _*crickets chirpin*_

"I said Star Platinum!" Jotaro said for the second time, but instead of his hunkalicious purple stand appearing beside him like a Fairy Godparent, a sticky note sticked to Jotaro's forehead poofed out of nowhere. Jotaro-kun took the yellow sticky note down and flipped it over to read it:

 _"ON VACATION FOR 5 MONTHS_

 _\- STAR PLANKTON"_

"Am I being fucked with right now?" Jotaro asked rhetorically as he stared at the pathetic excuse for a 'notice' in his large yaoi hand.

"Looks like it's time for Plan B," Martin Luther King said, but then a chime could be heard throughout the halls of the school which meant it was time for a school announcement.

"Uhm... Because of the recent infestation, _*hACK wHEEZE*_ school is cancelled for the rest of the week. cough, COUGH, any important assignments will be postponed until further notice. ariga-" Then, there was a dry and lifeless wheeze that convinced Jotaro and Ginger that the school principal was die.

The fire in Fugo's eyes diminished and he stopped writing his paper with the smoking pencil that looked like it would've snapped in half from his Hulk-like grip. He dropped his pencil calmly and leaned back in his seat, letting out a sigh of aleve as police and ambulance sirens blared in the nearby background.

"Sembra che abbiamo salvato. Questo era vicino," said Giorno. (If you cant read Italian, then why did you even watch part 5?)

"I don't know what you said, but it looks to me that this is over," replied Jotaro. Indeed, the poisonous purple trail slowly faded out from around them entirely as Viola Haze went back to its Stand """Master""".

After this whole ordeal, Jotaro was thinking twice about dumping his resignation papers in the front office. If there were more stand users in this school, then he wanted to be here as Booty Patrol if someone acted like a clown again (blinking arrow pointing to Fugo). Good grief, looks like his job is never done.

[ _UNZIPPING NOOSE_ ]

It was Bruno Bucciarati (or Bruccellati if you're ghetto) and Stinky Fingers in five layers of biohazard suits! He came back because he realized he forgot his bento box-ō with his squid pasta in it (imported from Italy) and he was starving! Of course, he could just ordered from their homebase which was Olive Garden, but as an fully-blooded Italian, he wouldn't waste good pasta!

"Oh, it's over? That's a relief. Very good, Giorno, Fugo..." Bucciarati didn't know the character with the Bruce Wayne aura (a.k.a Jotaro) well since he wasn't in their homeroom, so he glanced over him, "...And Narancia. You guys did an excellent job getting the situation under control. I left to test how you guys would handle things if I weren't here."

(A/N: Narancia is probably dead.)

Giorno secretly thought his friend, Bruno Mars, was pulling this shit out his ass to make up for the fact that he was the first person to abandon them all despite being class president. However, the blonde italian stayed silenco about it and kept his drag to himself. That was mostly because Bruno had on the Plague Doctor mask with a scary ass beak, so Giorno didn't want to look at Bucciarati any longer than he had to.

"Thank you. I couldn't have done it without me, myself, and I," Giorno said shadily and used a locker door as an ambulance stretcher for Narancia. His face was beginning to look like Rod Reiss's titan and at this point, he would need extreme plastic surgery to fix him up like a K-pop idol, or Kylie Jenner. Then again, nothing ever fixed Deadpool.

"Take him with you, BucciaRAT. Please," said Giorno while maintaining his cool Dio-like composure (not that they're related or anything). Bucciarati had the idea that Giorno was mad at him, but he wordlessly accepted Narancia who was sizzling like an egg on a skillet instead. A mother's duty was never finished.

"I'll make sure Narvia gets the medical attention he needs. Leave it to me. _ZIIIIIIIP_."

They gone.

『 **AT WENNIE HUT GENERAL: WAITING ROOM** 』

Bucci Gang waited in the hospital waiting room nervously. Well, everyone except Avacado who was drinking a bottle of white wine as he flipped through the Cosmopolitan magazine. Although, it was easy to assume he was drinking because he was also nervous, but you couldn't tell by his gothic and impassive expression.

Bruno and Giorno were actually nervous, but had the ability to stay calm under any situation like the leader-samas they were. Mista was the only ones wearing his kokoro on his sleeve and Fugo was MIA.

"I didn't think you were the crossword puzzle type," said Abbacchio to Mista who was writing into one of the magazines the children's hospital supplied, his horrible wine breath hitting poor Mista in his face.

"What? I'm filling out Narancia's death certificate," Mista replied. He only put the document inside of the Women's Magazine so he could have something thick to write on. Truthfully, none of them even know if Narancia was dead or not, but since it was Narancia, the squad thought it was safe to assume the worst.

A doctor suddenly stepped out and read something on their clipboard, squinting at the word written down. "Are you... Bu...cci Gang?"

"Yes," Bucciarati replied as the whole squad got up at the same time minus Abbacchio who couldn't get up on his two feet fast enough without feeling lightheaded.

"Narancia is awake and ready to see you all. The operation was a success," said Doctor Oz.

"Arigatou!" said Giorno. The squad ran into each other trying to enter Narancia's hospital room all at once. Abbacchio ran into Giorno's back a little too roughly which caused him to vomit all over the floor, but no one paid attention to that for now.

"Narancia?! Can you here me? It's me Bruno!"

Narancia was awake, but was in a full body cast like a mummy or the scammer from the Spongebob episode who had "glass bones". "Nnnn..." he said hoarsely.

"Ask him something," suggested Mista.

"What's 2 plus 2?" Giorno asked.

"I meant something he knows. The last thing you'd want in your Burger King burger is..."

"-Someone's foot fungus," replied Narancia.

"Cool! Looks like he still has his (2) remaining brain cells left!" Mista said in relief.

"Wha... What happen?" ask Mummy!Narancia groggily.

"You had surgery. They had to repair your skin... _Every_ kind," Mista said, implying that he needed his foreskin repaired too when he looked down. Narancia blushed, but the thought of someone touching his weewee while he was knocked out also made him get an immediate boner which he was glad the fully body cast hid.

Hah? **Chotto**. Narancia looked around the room. He knew he couldn't count past four, but something was off here.

"Wait, where's Fugo?" Narancia asked.

 ** _SILENCE._**

"Who do you think gave you the skin?"

 **『 TO BE CONTINUED 』**


	3. Chapter 3

**EPISODÍO 3: BÁNG BÁNG!**

『 **[SFX]** **BIRDS:** **チャープ! (CHIRPÚ!)** 』

The early birds chirped as another day of Bel-Air High rolled through. The camera pans in to the young gangsters; an ominous biohazard warning sign on the front lawn of the seemingly "normal" school. The inside looked like a normal homeroom for Littlest Pet Shop.

Shigechi was playing Roblox on his JoPhone XR (in desktop view) and trying to make friends on a shitty game made by a 12-year-old. But because he spent all his lottery cash on the latest JoPhone release, he was out of fat loot for the month and even Harvest (his little leprechauns) couldn't find him anything. So, he was playing with the Robux (that's like $500 in USD) he paid for with Josuke's stolen credit card which he had Harvest polly-pocket for him.

Bucci Gang had their desks huddled up as usual in their group meeting, conversing about the success rate of their Kinder Eggs black market. Narancia was filming his new Tik Tok video instead of actually contributing to the important conversation taking place. This was annoying the f*ck out of Fugo, but that didn't say much since everything Narnvia did made Fiesty pop a vein.

Actually, Fuego wasn't the only one who was irked by Narancia's daily loud nonsense, so Mista shadily ""pretended"" to knock Narnia's ratchet PSP over which he was using to record his TikTok (not funded by Ke$ha). It fell over on its face, most likely adding another crack to the abused console.

" **HEY!** HAI ROVINATO IL MIO VIDEO!" Narancia was so annoyed that his Native gangster tongue slipped out a little! He pointed an accusing finger at Mist's head who took a sip of his Dr. Joestar soda can like it was tea.

"My bad. It didn't notice your PSP was in my arm's way," Misty replied like he didn't give a shit and continued to read his magazine imported straight from Italy about the different kinds of salami. He's seen Nissan's uploads and they only get 10 comments at most from people who think he's a girl. Needleness to say, he's a flop.

Narancia was still complaining out loud to himself as he tried to prop his PSP against the toilet roll he stole from the Boy's bathroom again. A shard of glass fell off the heavily cracked screen and it oozed some omnious black blood, but he still forced the poor console to record his stupid video. The PSP was obviously at the end of its rope. Fugo knew what to buy the dumbass for his brithday this year.

Meanwhile, the camera panned to Elvis and the Elvisettes. Other than Shigechi still playing Roblox: Grand Theft Auto, Okuyasu and Josuke were both snapping their fingers to the full 26:00 mins of "Shine on You Crazy Diamond" by Pink Floyd with Josuke's Airpods. Koichi couldn't speak to his two only friends when they were deeply invested into their music, so he smiled nervously at Yukako.

Today, his girlfriend forced him to wear a baby bib and sit in a high chair as she fed him the luxurious breakfast she made him with a baby spoon. The couple should already be expelled for public indency on school grounds by now, but Yukako couldn't control her mommy kink and Koichi would be lying if he said his fear of her didn't make him hard.

"Koichi-kun, you made a mess. Let Mámá get that for you," she said with an unsettling smile and wiped the barbecue soy sauce off his cheek with his bib. Mayhaps this creepily fetishizing sight was why Okuyasu and Josuke chose to tune them out for twenty six consecutive minutes.

"Heh... he...h..." replied Koichi, "A-Anyway. Isn't sensei late today? He's always on time. That's strange."

Just then, a blond man in an unnatural cowboy suit kicked the door down. He had tan assless chaps that showed his unshaven, blond pubes and a matching trench coat. he even had spikes on the back of his boots like this was Old Wild Westô. "Howdy there... _partners_ ," he said, tilting his cowboy hat down as if he were an incel saying "m'lady" and tipping his fedora.

Post Melone was **silence** to the obnoxiously dresssed and probably lost cosplayer, still click-clacking on his bulky and retro 80's Barbie computer. He was too busy ~cyberbullying~ naive 12-year-olds who innocently came onto 4chan channels to care about the cowboy.

" ** _HAH_? WHO ARE YOU, OLD MAN**?" Narancia said rudely in a **loud** yankee-like tone with his foot on his desk. On his head, were his JoBeats which held together by grey duct tape ( **A/N** : Fugo got tired of listening to an endless amount of Tupac and Big E but that's a story for another episode).

Bruno Bugatti, a.k.a Seitokaicho (class president in Jap), stood up in his desk and took damage control before things got no bueno.

"Forgive my rudeness, but may I ask if you're our homeroom substitute?"

"Huh?" the blond Dirty Dan said before he laughed nonchalantly, "Oh, sureeee! That's right! Yer uh, teacher got into trouble with a Christian cult so I'm here to takeover for the day."

Giorno stared skeptically at the man in silence while Mista squinted his eyes at him.

"What's wrong, Michael?" GioGio asked lowly.

"I can't help but feel I've seen this man before, but I can put my dito (finger) on it," responded the scrumptious, sun-kissed Italian.

"Oh okay, sensei. Then, can you continue with the lesson for today?"

"yeah, whatever," Red Dead Redemption turned to the whiteboard and picked up a 黒 permanent Sharpie. His Captain America ass was on **FULL** display in his assless chapels because of the man-thong he wore, defiling the eyes of innocent students but making some boys question their sexualities. He starred at the broad stupidly for a several minutes. This was yabai! He dropped out of grade school due to **[REDACTED BY THE FBI]** so he didn't know what high schoolers learned!

Jeopardy music played in the back of everyone's minds as they waited for their substitute "sensei" to start their lesson. Not that anyone would pay attention to it tho. that's when the dusty lightbulb in Hol Whore's head went **_ding_**!

"alright, I bet you dipshits can't solve this!" hol horse said confidently with a smirk as he smacked the whitebroad. On the board was the elementary-level question: 2 plus 2 = ?

Everyone was silence. Not because they didn't know the answer but because they were dumbfounded by the equation even a person with a learning disability could solve. howwever, like the dumbass Hail Horse was, he took their silent as discourage over his IQ level of 2.

"hey you, the ratchet girl with the JoBeats. Come to the board to solve this problem," Horse-Face said to Narancia.

"Che cosa hai detto cieco idiota ?! Tirerò fuori un cazzo da 10 pollici dai miei pantaloni proprio qui e dimostrerò che sono un maschio! (What did you say blind dumbass?! I'll pull out of 10 inch cock from my pants right here and prove to you i'm a boy!)" Narancia argued, his native language slipping out in the heat of the moment .

Misty rolled his eyeballs. Everyone in Bucci Gang knew Narnia was trying to flex since his penis actually stopped at three (3) inches. Since they all showered together, they've seen one another in full nudity (A/N: nosebleed alert!).

"Hah? i don't speak Finnish, kid, just answer the problem!"

narnia rolled his violent-colored eyes and walked over to the board, hands in his pockets. Until he read the math problem. " **ええとああ ! (Ruh Roh !)** " appeared behind Narnica's fat head in bold, Arial black text. Fugo has tried to teach him this problem 19268272882827272 times without success. he knew if he failed in front of his classmates , he'll lose his (nonexistent) reputation as a cool gangster.

"Oh, ok mrs. fritz im boutta head out," nArancia commented and strided out the class with his hands in his pockets, avoiding the Harvard level problem. he resumed Ambitionz Az A Ridah by Toucan to block out his "sensei's" complaints.

Woody gritted his teeth in anger , unable to continue to play pretend with these stupid kids! "i Have had it. EMPEROR!" JUST THEN , a silver revolver/handgun (idk what gun type it is i'm not republican) manifested in his hand from thin air!

『 **捕虜！捕虜！捕虜！(** **POW! POW! POW!)** 』

SHOTS were fired like during the Columbine High School massacre (click back if you're triggered or whatever) everyone went into a panic and girlish screams filled the room as if BTS walked in. everyone ducked underneath their shitty wooden desks to avoid the trajectory of the bullets.

"babe get out of the way!"

"abbacchio stop dont mo-"

 _ **\- gunshot -**_

"ABBACCHIO!" yelled Bruno.

 **\- silence -**

In slow mo, Abba fell to the ground right in front of Bruno Mars, the song " _il mare eterno nella mia anima"_ (Caesar's death song from Partó 2) played loudly and dramatically. Boujeelatté screamed something loudly in Italiano and dropped down to the floor to caress the limp body of his probably-dead bf.

" **ABBA!** " yelled Bruno again, as if his screaming and shaking would bring Abacus back from the dead. "HANG IN THERE, ABBACCHIO!" Abbacchio couldnt here him because he had already lost consciousness from not ingesting enough red wine today.

Students were beginning to scatter like ants, trying to dip as fast as they could, ignoring the soap opera couple on the floor. Each time a student tried to run out of the door, however, Whole Horsie would snipe them accurately in the head as if he had aimbot cheats on in a COD match.

But, 15 year old Mob Boss Gigolo Giovanna was hiding under a desk with his homeboy MistAss, trying to devise a plan. From their view they could see their Seitokaicho and emo dad making a scene on the floor. In reality, Abbacchio had only taken a gunshot to the shoulder, so he would probably be fine. Giorno rolled his eyes at all these dramatics. He's been dragged into worse situations during Bucci Gang's time in and fighting Passione...A school shooting was no big deal.

After briefly contemplating leaving everyone to deal with Hole Horse alone like when his friends had abandoned him during fights countless times, Mista tapped him on the shoulder. "Listen, fratello. If i can distract this guy with a gunfight, you can sneak off to the other side and heal abbacchio!" he said, his signature, cute Mista smile spreading across his face.

Giorno blushed at that smile...mayhaps he was a little GAY (#pridemonth). "Okie~dokie Meesta." As he was waiting for the cue (aka whenever he felt the fatness of Mista's ass and thighs go off his side), Giorno got his Kindle eggs ready for healing.

WHile all this commotion was happening, Pinhead Larry had grabbed his oldschool boombox and started playing Pumped Up Kicks in classic Columbine meme style. "whew, this is about to be another **_victory royale_** for me," he bragged in his yeehaw accent. In actuality, this shooting was not very diff from the Columbia shooting, or any of the other million ones in the US (A/N: looking into the camera like i'm on the office). This would just be labeled a 'tragedy' on the news and nothing would change like usual.

 **"-OI! STUPIDA ZAPPA!"**

McCree made an annoyed "tch" sound and turned his head to the voice, his cowboy hat almost falling off his head.

Mista had his purple durple revolver cocked in front of him, aiming it at Hol Horse. There was a 『Kurikku』 (click) sound as Misty loaded and turned the safety off. Nobody questioned the fact that Mista had also snuck a handgun into school and had it with him daily... Mayhaps this school needed better security!

Seeing this, Whore Horse got googly eyes and quickly aimed his Emperor at Mista. This was turning into a Mexican standoff, just like in all those classic Clint Eastwood (not the Gorillaz song) movies. "Watch who yer talkin to, _partner,_ " Hol growled in a menacing Wild West tone. "i aint afriad to shoot ya, kid. Step aside and maybe i'll spare yer life."

 **(THAT WAS A LIE)**

But mista stayed with his snub nose revolver that had a hentai girl paintjob pointed right at the shooter. Neither of them moved, and everyone left in the room could feel the intimidation in the air.

Meanwhile, GioGio took the chance he waiting for to get to Bougie and Abortion!

"Giorno, you can fix him, right?" said Bruno in a paníc, holding onto Abbacchio's pale, goth hand tightly.

Giorno looked at his leader, then down at ABBA... then back again. A cringe expression appeared on his face. Did he really _have_ to save him? The taste of the piss Abbacchio had peed into his Starbucks coffee every morning suddenly came back into his mouth. When Gizmo saw the heartbreak in Brunch's eyes, however, he knew he had to.

Don Giovanna **SIGHED**. Fine, he'll do everything himself like always.

"...Yes, I can save him, Buccellati,' breathed Giorno regretfully, shaking his head as he got his Kind eggs out from his pocket. The creamy, delicious choclate had sadly melted during the time it had been exposed to Mista's thiccness pressing against it for so long. Now it looked like Giorno had shit all over his designer Versace suit.

Bruno saw the choco eggs and gave giorno a Look. "what? But arent you going to use **『GOLD EXPERIENCE』** to heal Abbacchio...?" He was very confusion. What could those German treats possibly do?

"You know those videos of people fixing things with uncooked ramen blocks?" asked Giorno, unwrapping the first double caramel Kinder tamago.

"...Yeah?" said Broccoli, unsure. He had seen countless of those on his JoTwitter feed.

"I'm going to use these 卵 to fix Abuelito."

 **[POV SHIFT: MISTA VS HOL PONY]**

HH dropped his 1985 boombox down onto the sensei's desk. "You'll never take me dead or alive," he said threateningly, spitting on the floor like a cowboy does. "Aint nobody gonna kill Hol Horse when he has a terrabyte of lol*con waiting for him at home."

Mista was DISCUSS by those words. "YOU OLD PERVERT! I'LL SHOOT YOU WHERE YOU STAND!" But as Mystic was about to pull the trigger and summon Six Bullets, he turned his head to the left. Giorno was still using the egg's chocolate to fill in Abba's bullet hole. Shit! He couldn't start a full blown gunfight right now! And Hol Horse was looking pretty trigger happy in a Zpsycho way! "You guys better hurry up!" he shouted at his friends.

At this moment, Pumped Up Kicks ended, and the next track was sliding into place to play.

 _Oh, oh-oh_

 _Oh_

"Your not walking out of here alive, bastardo," growled Mista, clicking his gun for real this time. He wait a few more seconds, until-

"MEESTA!" YELLED Giorno from across the row of desks, and when Mista looked giorno was giving him a thumbs up. Abba was already being zipped out of the room by Zipper Man, gooey chocolate runnin down from Abba's bullet hole wound. Mista thot this was the most ghetto sh*t he's ever seen in his 18 years of vita.

still, Mister nodded and stared HH down again.

 **『SEX PISTOLS!』**

 **『EMPEROR!』**

 _Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road_

 _I'm gonna ride 'til I can't no more_

A resounding "YEEHAW!" came from all six Pistols as Mista rapidly shot all six of his shots. The bullets ricocheted off the dusty blackboard, the desks, etc. as HH attempted to dodge and fire at the same time.

 _I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road_

 _I'm gonna riiiiiiiiide 'til I can't no more_

"Im not goin' down that easy" said Hole Hoe to himself, using the teacher's desk as a shield. The sounds of Mista's bullets ricocheting was still present, but if he waited for silence he could get one shot in. He gripped Emperor tightly, looking at the My Little Pony stickers on the handgrip for comfort. "i'll kill him for u, Pinkie Pie" he whispered, kissing the pink pony's sticker.

 _I got the horses in the back_

 _Horse tack is attached_

 _Hat is matte black_

 _Got the boots that's black to match_

Mista began to reload his gun, when all of the sudden Hol Horse popped up from behind the desk, gun in hand. He was aiming right for... **Mista's junk!**

"SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER!" screeched Hol Brony, grunting as Emperor shot loudly. It was a Stand that never missed, which made Mista panick!

"SHITÓ!' yelped Mista, ducking for cover in a last ditch effort. Pistols still hadnt come back to him yet, and worse-they had missed all their shots!

 _Ridin' on a horse, ha_

 _You can whip your Porsche_

 _I been in the valley_

 _You ain't been up off that porch, now_

Thankfully, Mista's d*ck was spared, and the bullet hit inside his arm. He howled in pain as blood gushed out like a stepped-on Fruit Gusher. But this was really nothing, since usually during his fites with enemy stand users he got pumped full of lead from his own bullets and still survived. He wasnt worried.

As mista stood up again, he only had one uninjured hand to move his gun. "PISSTOLS!" he yelled, and uno, due, tre, cinque, sei, and sette all flew back to him. HH was now hiding behind the desk again. However, the desk was wooden, so if he could just shoot thru it...

 _Can't nobody tell me nothin'_

 _You can't tell me nothin'_

 _Can't nobody tell me nothin'_

 _You can't tell me nothin'_

He shot TWICE into the desk, the bullets going straight through, Then Mista shot two on the other side, and two above to ricochet downward.

 _Ridin' on a tractor_

 _Lean all in my bladder_

 _Cheated on my baby_

 _You can go and ask her_

There were sevral shrill SCREAMS in a girly yet cowboy accent which Misty knew were from Hol Pony. He stepped forward to check out the damage very carefully.

 _My life is a movie_

 _Bull ridin' and boobies_

 _Cowboy hat from Gucci_

 _Wrangler on my booty_

As Mista expected, H.H (Holmes) was spasming on the floor in a pathetic fetal position as blood oozed from his many bullet wounds like he was a Spongebob mob in COD.

"O-Okaasan," He whimpered like a baby, hand twitchin' to grab his handgun. holly couldn't die a virgin with an incomplete Love Live! collection!

"As if i'll let you do that," Mista replied and made the sexy pose for chapter nijuu go (25). he'd won yet _another_ battle. **『** **クランチ! (CRUNCH!』** went Billy Ray Cyrus's cowboy bones when Mist stepped on his hand.

" **YYYYYEEEEEEOWWWWWW**!" Harry yelled like Tom from Tom and Jerry whenever he got caught in Jeremy's traps. HH culd no longer reach for his weapon since his hand needed a cast now.

"Time to end this. Hastã la vísta, bambino," Mista said in a sexy, thick Italiano accent as he pointed his burple gun towards Hol Hulk's bloody head.

Just then, the sound of muffled American rap music played at **1000%** volume grew closer to the classroom. The person who stepped in was Narancia with a stupidly calm look on his face since he hasn't noticed the chaos around him. that shitty music cancelled out all the gunshot noises plus Lil Nas X!

"hey, I came back for my PSP. i forgot the Neo Fantasy Online event was today," Narancia said, holding onto his right headphone because the duct tape was half-peeled off now.

"hey naranchia, get out of here!" Mista yelled, but made the big miss steak of looking away from Horse Hal. in that quick MOMENT, Hol grabbed his handgun with his other hand and aimed it at barancia's junk (A/N: no homo).

"GET A LOAD OF THIS, SON! YEEEEHAW!" yelled Kenny Ackerman in a unnecessary Western accent despite being raised in Japan (aka the land of e-girls). Then, he fired his gun!

"YÂBÂI!" MISTA cried and spun around, running towards Narancia's dumbfounded face to protecc him! this was bad and he didn't even have a plan! It was his fatherly instincts that made him decide to be narancia's shield.

『 **BOING !** 』

"NA-NANI?!" Hol Hore yelled, completely baffled by the lack of physics he just witnessed. The bullet he aimed at Narnia's junk was deflected by Mista's fat cheeks instead?! It bonked off as if his bubble booty was made out of actual rubber and came flying back at Hol Horse like the reverse Uno card.

Mista's ass was so **thicc** that it was defying gravity and the bullet... **WAS COMING HIS WA–**

『 **PHEW !** 』The bullet shot him clean in the fivehead and the cowboy

"heh...seeyanara" declared Mista, posing over the school sh00ter's dead bodie. Suddenly after this, Mista collapsed due to blood loss from his bullet wounds.

"MESSTA!" yelled Arancia, still shook from papa Mista saving him from certain death. "Sh*t! Giorno and the others are gone already. What do i do..." He bit his nails Anxiously, Aerosmith didnt have healing abilities like Golden Wind Requiem after all. And it looked like Mista would bleed out before he found the others anyway.

A Jimmy Neutron braín blast made a thicc lightbulb appear over Ninja's head. "Chotto, I just remembered...!' Taking out his iPhone -3 (running ios2), Narancia clicked on the old school youtube app built in to the phone (A/N if u remember tv youtube you qualify for a veteran's discount) and waited for his 3G network by JoT&T to load up his video history.

 **25 QUICK AND EASY MEDICAL HACKS**

 _uploaded by 5 Minute Crafts_

2,000,000,000 views • 5mil Likes / 1bil Dislikes

"Whew...that was a close one!" sighed Biggie Bomber, clicking el play button. Narancia followed the steps in the video very carefully, mimicking the cheap """hacks""" that would save Misty's life. "Eto, eto eto..." He stuck his tongue out of his mouth in concentration as he ripped off some of Mista's crop top Gucci sweater and attached the fabric over his wound. It was secured with duct tape that he found on the teacher's desk. NArancia then stapled the remaining bullet holes without even taking the bullets out.

"MOLTO BENE!" shouted Narwhal triumphantly, doing his signature pose.

At this moment, Mista woke up, sitting up on his thicc ass. He felt a sting of pain all over his body. "Wh...WHAT THE HELL?" Mitsa looked at his medical service,... if you could even call it that. Narancia had even filled some holes by sticking Joyola crayons into them,... WTF?! Mitsurur was wrong about before...truly **_THIS_** was the most ghetto shit he had ever seen.

 **『 TO BE CONTINUED 』**


End file.
